Embracing & Loving My Inner Child!

 

I had the most wonderful time in Disneyland this week!  

It seems that the older I get, the better I am at being a kid! With wild abandon, I got on every ride I could!  I took in every smell and relished in the sensuality of every flower, every color, every texture, every scene of every place I went there--I danced in the Magic and the Wonder of EVERYTHING! 

I got to hook up with a dear friend of 45 years that I have not spent much time with in a long while.  Doing this helped me to remember being a kid and playing together.  I so enjoyed her and her husband at Disneyland!  

I let it be Okay that I rented an ACV, a motorized convenience scooter, as I knew I could not walk for three solid days all over Disneyland.  I rode and I walked.  I listened to my body and I honored, accepted and did what I needed for me.

Miraculously, I found that I don't get motion sickness from twirling around on rides like I always used to--if I let go and move with the flow of the ride!  (I found this wisdom to be TRUTH in all areas of my regular life--long before now, and was pleasantly surprised to discover it applicable on roller coasters, too!) 

I didn't do "Being A Kid" very much the first time through!  I was always taught to be responsible, keep my nose to the grindstone, work hard, excel and to do my best to strive for perfection in all things.  I learned that fun and play are optional, definitely not necessary in life. 

WRONG!

It is not that those things were wrong or bad for me THEN.  They were the things I needed to learn and do and they served me well in their time.  But times are a-changin' and I am learning to let loose and shift my beliefs on many things.

My father going Home in January set me free in ways I had no idea I was not free.  I can see him smiling now, sharing my Joy in my discoveries of things I put on a back burner for most of my life, until now.  I opted to be with him and do for him what I could in the Winter of his life.  Before Dad there was my mother, and raising my children, my job, and my extended family.  I am not sorry about any of it.  I could not have done any of it any other way.

My beautiful and fun-loving grandchildren and grandnieces and grandnephews have helped me to remember how to play and have fun!  When they want to play with me, I say, "SURE!"  And I drop everything and go play with them.  With their parents, I was dog-tired from working, going to school, parenting and household responsibilities.  There was little time left over for Play and Fun--although I did my very best at it, even then.

Now I am in a different place than ever before in my life.  I can play more and have more fun than ever before!  The expanded experiences are welcomed and they feel MAGNIFICENT!
 
The more I embrace all the FUN in my life and the more I PLAY, the more JOY I experience in ALL THINGS in my life!

I highly recommend that you find the things that are fun and play for you and that you do them as often as possible!

I wished to experience more JOY!  I wished to experience more of being in the NOW!  

I have found that "Fun" and "Play" and "Joy" and "Being In The Now" are all interchangeable words for the same thing!  

I am doin' it and I am LOVIN' IT!

Thank you, Jiminy Cricket, for teaching me to wish and to dream:  "When you wish upon a star, your dreams really do come true!"

So Wish and Dream and BELIEVE and Play and enJOY everything that comes to you, even the little things--maybe even especially the little things!  

Love, Hugs & Blessings,
Barbara 

Thank you, Disney folks and Victor Johnson, for the use of your photos and artwork! 

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Gratitude Is The Answer!!

I have always felt like I am the luckiest person that I know!  

Some say there is no such thing as luck.  Maybe that is true.  Whatever this is, I was born with it.  I was born with a great ability to bring into my life the most miraculous and amazing things--Great Abundance, Dear Family, Magnificent Friends, endless bounds of connection to people that I love and feel very close to, unbelievable opportunity and the ability to transform negativity into positivity!  It and they all show up in my life, and in huge amounts!  

How wonderful is that??? 

I was also born with the ability to bring into my life defeat, unbearable pain, difficulty, judgment, fear, rejection and abandonment.

I can be blessed.  Or I can be damned.  It is my choice--simply by where I put my intention, my energy and my beliefs! 

What do I want?

I am so very blessed!  

Maybe it is not luck.  

Maybe it is Blessing!

I was reading Oprah Magazine's November 2012 issue recently.  In it Oprah talks about having fallen down on her commitment to Gratitude Journaling every day--the commitment to listing in a journal, at least five things every day for which she is grateful.  

I have never done a Gratitude Journal, but this resonates with me very much!  I find myself feeling great gratitude for so many things in my life on a regular basis!  I am amazed at how Spirit, God, works in my life!  I find that the more grateful I am about what I have, the more that comes to me, and it grows, simply because I pay attention to it!  I look for the the gift in everything that comes and everything that happens to me--even, maybe even especially--in those things that I have to look into very deeply to find!  

The gift is ALWAYS THERE!

I always find that I am so very blessed and in so very many ways!

I decided I will also make the commitment to Gratitude Journaling!  This feels like an investment in becoming even more concretely conscious of just how very much God works in such positive and wonderful ways in my life--and as far as I can tell, God never works in any other way in mine or anyone else's life--if I/We look deeply enough!

I ran across an image that speaks my feelings about this subject exactly:

I am SO HAPPY!  Thank you, God, for the gift of all the Abundance in my life!  Thank you for all the Happiness I feel on a regular basis!  I love it all and I am GRATEFUL for it all! 

Do I still have bouts of body pain?  Yes.

Do I still struggle with depression, anxiety or fear on occasion?  Yes.

Do I have it all figured out and am I perfect with gratitude all the time?  No. 

But I am getting better and better at allowing the difficulties without getting lost in them.  I am getting better and better at looking deeply to find the gifts in all things that come to me!  This is MASSIVE GROWTH in me!

And it all makes me So Very Happy! 

And now I ask you:

  
Love & Hugs & Blessings,
Barbara

Thank you to the contributors of the images I used in this blog entry!

 

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

"Acceptance, Value and Honor"

Pink Cotton Candy, in the making!

What is Acceptance, Value, and Honor?  

It is a space of “just because”—for no other reason than just because I exist and I am worth it, simply because I am.  I don’t have to earn these things. 

 

How do they Feel?

They feel light and airy, nurturing and comforting.  They feel like a breath of fresh air, the breeze of the spring, the warmth of the sun.  They feel peaceful.  They feel wonderful!  They feel Joyful!

What do they Smell like?

They smell like the desert after a summer rain, like the creosote bushes all fresh and fragrant and clean!  They smell like an alpine meadow overwhelmed in beautiful and distinct fragrances—and I want to experience, I want to smell every, single one of them!

  

What is the Shape?

Acceptance, Value and Honor are a big valentine heart!  They are a piece of what love is!  They are so fluffy and it feels so good to put my arms around them and embrace them!

How do they Taste?

They taste like the soft, salty tears streaming down my face as I allow my feelings to come up about this topic.  They are light and airy and they taste like pink cotton candy.  They are something sweet and wildly enjoyable—like an orgasm of the heart and they make my soul soar!  It is totally overtaking of all of my senses!  I want it never to end!

What is the Color?

The color is pink—bright and lovely.  The color is cool, embracing and inviting.  The color is peaceful, loving, kind and gentle, all at the same time. 

Most of us do not readily accept these feelings and let them into the depths of us.  But we are great about so readily giving them to others.   

Most of us want more of these things in our lives.  

    

Do others Accept me, Value me and Honor me? 

Yes, absolutely!   

But I have not always been able to open to receive these things very well.  Acceptance, Value and Honor have often fallen on a wall of protection that I have unconsciously kept around myself.  I sometimes could not take these things in very much.  Sometimes when I did, I would begin to feel so very vulnerable and exposed.  Sometimes it would become so painful to be in that deep vulnerability.  Sometimes I found myself waiting, expecting something to come out of the shadows to take away the good feelings.

Often I blocked feelings out.  I blocked out some of the good feelings and I blocked out most of the bad feelings.  I was usually in some state of numbness, with my feelings dampered down in some way.  

It felt safer to be numb rather than to be vulnerable.

Today I am learning how to Accept, Value and Honor myself.  I find that these things have to start with me.  I did not learn these things when I was young.  Perhaps it was the times and what was thought to be the best ways to raise children.  Perhaps it was the influence of the wounds of others. 

The ruts and the grooves of my patterns are well worn.  It is easy to inflict in myself Judgment, Shame and Dishonor. 

But...

I fall back into old patterns less and less.  I recognize the falling back much more readily.  I forgive myself more easily.  I cut myself slack and free myself much more often.  I allow myself to be imperfect, and still trust that I am headed in the direction of ever increasing Light and Vibration. 

Life is a journey.  I am a student.  It is an awesome learning experience and I would not give up a single lesson--not even those that seem very difficult!

I open my heart and I willingly let in more Acceptance, Value and Honor!  I allow the vulnerability and I let it teach me more about me and about opening myself more deeply to everything.  I more fully experience being a human being on this planet!

Gratefully, I keep finding that even the rough things always turn out to have a golden lining!

Thank you, Spirit!  This is a spectacular ride! 

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Barbara

God's Pink Cotton Candy!

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Lost In Chocolate!

For some of us, Chocolate is a drug.  It serves the same purpose for us as a drug.  It makes it easier for a moment to stay in one's own skin.  Or so it seems at first.

Not long after my father died in January, I found myself standing in front of my freezer, pulling chocolate out, eating it frozen, and vaguely being aware that something was amok with me.  It was a weird experience because I felt like I was in some kind of suspended animation, with no access to personal power to do anything any differently about it at that moment. 

Looking backwards, I can see that I was using Chocolate as a means of coping with the grief, shock and overwhelming responsibilities of the moment.  I have discovered that I use Chocolate, (and some other foods, too,) in order to check-out of feeling.

There is this thing that I do when things become stressful--a certain degree of stressful.  Unfortunately, I do not know where the dividing line is for tolerable stress and stress over the edge necessitating my checking out.  I do not know if it is just the amount of time in the stress that does it, or if it is the degree of the stress that drives me to it.  Maybe it is both of these things.  Probably there are other factors as well. 

This is a big, black hole of mostly unconsciousness for me.  It is a defense, I am certain.  There is some hidden drive that takes over.  This leaves me feeling a lot of powerlessness about it. 

The only way to gain power over it is to find ways to become more conscious of myself operating in the moment so that I may gain power over my choices in the moment.

It seems like I do alright for a while in stress, and then there comes a point where it becomes about survival.  It is not a decision that I make consciously.  It is a place I go unconsciously. 

When I get into survival mode, I have already checked out and have begun finding ways to feel better in the misery of the moment.  Sometimes I even slip up with food choices after the fact, after I've completely gotten through the stress of the moment.  But I do not figure that out until after the fact, either.

I want to become more conscious of this process so that I may choose differently and choose consciously.  The desire for more consciousness is a recurring theme in my life, and comes to me about many personal issues.  I am certain that more consciousness is the key--to everything.

When I become stressed enough, I just put my nose to the grindstone and blindly get very busy about the handling of the crisis on deck.  Somehow in that process, I become unconscious about what I am eating, how much and when.

 

I would like to find ways to catch myself in the checking out stage--before actually checking out! 

So far, I catch myself after I already checked out and I am long down the road from the initial issues that sent me to Chocolate/eating in order to feel nurtured, soothed and loved.

How can I catch myself before I go to the food???  And when I figure this out, what do I need to do instead at those times???

Sometimes Chocolate/food feels like a blanket of love and I just want to be wrapped up in it.

That is a pretty compelling need.

Perhaps there are some healthier and more honest ways of being wrapped up in love!?!

I have been working with Food Addiction specialist, Kim Halsey, from Recovery Today--http://www.recoverytoday.org/.  She has been very helpful in teaching me some tools to use to be responsible and conscious about food and eating.

Transparency and Accountability are two of Kim's tools. They are about telling the truth about what I eat, writing it down on a daily basis and sharing it with her--someone also on the Conscious Eating path. It doesn't help for me to do these things unless the people I am transparent and accountable with care deeply about healing food addiction, increasing eating consciousness and I value their opinions about this subject.

Transparency and Accountability definitely work and have a been a huge help to me.  They are part of the tools I need to heal this.  But given enough stress, I still slip up with food. Thank God, it is not an everyday occurrence any more.

Whipping food addiction is a work in progress.  As with all addictions, one is never really cured, that I can see.  But I have made great headway over the months that I have been working with Kim Halsey about what and how much I am eating.  For this I am very grateful!

I will continue becoming more conscious about this.  I am committed to it.

If anyone out there has any other techniques they successfully use to work with Food Addiction, particularly about how to stay conscious about food choices, even when under tremendous stress, I would love to hear them!

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning





Surviving The Storm

The last month of my life—since July 10, 2012, has been completely off-the-wall.  There have been many wonderful experiences in it all, but there has been much trauma, drama and chaos, too.

Under it all I find a river of vulnerability--shame, judgment and fear. I keep finding myself wondering how any normal family/person could possibly have so many horrifically traumatic things occur in such a short time span?  What does this mean about me and my family?  Are we somehow addicted to trauma and drama?  We seem to have varying degrees of it on a regular basis.  It this just life?  Are all families just like this?  Or do we somehow attract such tragedies and energy to ourselves?  From where does all of this come?  

What is all this judgment and shame in me about?

I find myself thinking that "normal" people don't have all these kinds of experiences--at least not all piled up in such a short span of time. 

During this past month I had a houseful of Summer Vacation company staying with me for three weeks of this time.  There were lots of fun times together and lots of cleansing tears and sometimes overwhelming energy, simply due to the shear numbers of people all in one place together for so long.  One of my brothers nearly died of a severe infection.  He is still off work after a month of healing.  A tragic death occurred in our family due to domestic violence.  And I was rear-ended in a traffic accident.    

It feels like I have gone through a knothole.  I have come out on the other side of the knothole, but I have not yet processed all that has happened.   

Life is transitioning back to a more comfortable place once again.  For this, I am very grateful!  I feel like I can begin living life on purpose again, rather than just hanging on through some very big difficulties.

I feel there is a deeper lesson, a deeper awareness about these past weeks, hanging just out of consciousness.

Perhaps it is about the grief?  Perhaps it is about the deep vulnerability this has all brought to the forefront?  Perhaps it is about the need for me to have much more compassion for myself and much less judgment?  

It is all of these things--and more. 

I pray for the awareness to come.  I pray for the willingness to stay open to whatever God is showing me and to embrace it all.

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Air Traffic Control

I have been looking at and working on personal healing work since I was 25 years old and I developed Post Partum Depression after my last baby was born.  (I am now 56 years old.)  Post Partum Depression was extremely traumatizing and humiliating to me because I had always been able to keep it all together and be totally in control of my world, (up until then,)--or so I thought, anyway!  

I never liked (or even now...like,) hearing people complain about their childhoods.  I always believed that many folks had difficult times growing up and that we just need to learn to make lemonade out of lemons, quit whining about it, pull up our socks and get on with life.  Those are the things I told myself and those are the things that I did.  

But underneath it all, I learned to be constantly vigilant about everything going on around me.  I was born intuitive, I am certain, but some of those skills got finely honed directly as a result of living my life--which grew more every day like Air Traffic Control.  

It turns out that living life in this kind of energy has long-term consequences.  Some are good.  And some are not so great.

I ran across a link from a fellow blogger and friend, Patricia Singleton, http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/, "Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker."  Patricia's link was to an article about the long-term consequences for people who grew up experiencing a lot of trauma and chaos and how it affects the body and the spirit.  (Thank you for this trigger, Patricia!!)  In this article there was a list of all the things that people that experienced childhood trauma have a really high incidence of experiencing as an adult:  Migraine Headaches, all types of Arthritis, Spinal Fusions/Back Problems, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, ME, Depression, Anxiety, Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders--the list is endless.

I have experienced some of these things.  Thank God, each of them has turned out to be a journey toward deeper Spirituality.  But it has not been easy living with these things--no, not easy at all!

When my father died in January, I went into mega survival mode.  I didn't realize it.  But it surely was happening.  I think I was in survival mode for the last seven years of his life, too, as he was gearing up to pass.  

One night, a few weeks after Dad passed, I found myself standing in front of the freezer, eating frozen chocolate...like a crazy women..just stuffing it in and feeling like I was standing outside of myself, watching myself in horror and wondering, WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING???  I had not been going nuts consuming chocolate like this in a long time.  

What was up about this???  

As I starting unraveling the threads of my life, I began to see further and further back where Survival Mode was operating in me.  I think it was always operating in me.

Does one's awareness about these things open up when the last of your parents have gone Home??? 

For me, this is definitely the case!

I contacted a Food Addiction Specialist...

Love, Hugs & Blessings,
Barbara

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Floating In The Ocean

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I have been stuck.  I have been in a place of not being able to put my finger on anything, just experiencing that blocked feeling that comes when there are things/feelings in me that are just not safe enough to come up into my conscious awareness--yet.  I do not want to go anywhere.  I do not want to talk to people.  I do not want any pressures or responsibilities.  Everything outside (and some of it inside) of my family, my grandchildren, my gardening, feels like a huge burden that is far beyond me right now.  The only place where I feel like my regular, old self, is when I am working with clients!  There I feel spiritually connected and whatever is needed for them, always seems to come through--Thank You, God--though I worried for a while about this, too.

I found myself scaring myself crazy about all of this.  I saw myself and felt myself like a ship, listing in the sea.  I have been in great judgment about myself and what I am experiencing. The not being in control and not being able to direct my life in any major way has been rather overwhelming.
 
And then Spirit brought me a huge gift in the form of a comment of a good friend, Elizabeth Sabroso of Radiant Heart Healing.  She helped me to see that I could shift my perspective about the experience, (since I surely could not shift being in the experience!)  The only choice I have is how I experience it.  I am just in it. 

So rather than seeing myself listing in the sea, I am, instead, per Elizabeth's suggestion, seeing myself floating in God's Ocean, being nurtured, supported and held in this space.  I now allow it without judgment!

I don't have to be in control.  I can let go and just float.  Actually, I LOVE floating in the Ocean!  It feels wonderful!

Thank you for this loving and healing perspective, Elizabeth!  (Learn about Elizabeth Sabroso and the wonderful work that she does with clients at:  radianthearthealing.vpweb.com)

When I shifted my perspective, I began to feel better about being where I am.  I've been being rocked and consoled in this space for a while, now. 

And it is all Okay, just as it is!

Here I will stay until more is revealed...

Love & Hugs & Blessings to us all,
Barbara

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

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