I am aching all over the place.
My body is a barometer for indicating things that are going on in my life that need addressing and modification by me. To ignore this is to accept far more and deeper physical pain--let alone spiritual and emotional pain.
My father has been in the hospital for most of the entire summer--since the beginning of June 2011. It has been a very stressful time dealing with all of this. In addition, all things related to the care of my father have been challenging over the last seven years of his illness and decline. There are times of less stress than others. But over all, this has not been the least bit easy.
I have been in the front line of fire about all of it, all along. I put myself there. It has been my role all of my life. I am a "first born." I never even considered not being in the front line about my dad. I never wanted it any other way. But over time, I am having to reconsider, readjust, realign myself, as this journey expands and morphs into things I never saw coming, that I never expected in my wildest imaginations.
I don't believe in any accidents. I believe that I chose to be where I am, in the family that I am in, with all the dynamics and drama that exists just as it is. I feel my soul planned on having grand opportunities for growth in many directions--all having deeper compassion and greater loving for myself and for others at the center of the journey.
But sometimes I just want to bitch-slap folks, instead!
Having owned this, and worked with myself from a place of self-compassion about this realization, I then tried to address my concerns and troubles with all of these people, one-by-one.
I sometimes feel that I cannot make myself heard or understood. I try over and over from one angle and direction to another, each time, attempting to make myself more clear. I am doing the best that I know how to do to convey my feelings and insights about what I would like to see shift in order for me to be in a more comfortable place about this difficult situation with Dad and with them.
I can see that they love me dearly. I can see that they each are just another poor schmuck trying to make his way through all this drama and chaos of being a human on this planet, too--just like me. I can see that they have made adjustments and that they are trying along the way.
I often feel like I can't find my way through eruptions--at least in the beginning of addressing them. I find eruptions in my family often take a long time in culminating. We sometimes think we have cleared the path, only to have the stuff sneakily go underground to erupt unexpectedly another day, with greater fury and force!
Sometimes this feels overwhelming and very much like we have made no headway at all. This is often just a fear and a knee-jerk reaction, rather than truly a reality--if I can remind myself of this in the throes of the explosion(s).
I try to make adjustments. I try to cooperate. I highly value cooperation! But I cannot make all the concessions. I cannot make all the adjustments. I can only be willing and do some of these things.
And I have and I am.
I am at a place where something has got to give. It MUST change. Or I will have to make it change. I can no longer continue being caught in this vortex of pain, in the cross-fire of others all struggling with their own feelings about dealing with the loss of our dad and the pain of witnessing his withering away into dust. I have my own pain about all of this, too. The pain has to lessen for me. And this has to happen NOW. I so hope and pray that my brothers will find a way to do the same for themselves, as well.
I will meet with my brothers today. Hopefully we will be able to shift what is happening in our interactions with each other to a healthier, more compassionate and loving way for each one of us. I hope and pray this is so. It must shift for me. I hope they will be able to understand this and know that I love them too, no matter what. But I can no longer trap myself in this chaos and dissension. It is hurting my body and my spirit so very much!
I feel hopeful for me. I feel hopeful for my brothers. I know I am doing the things that I most need to do for me. I only have control over me and I am empowered about me. Sometimes people make choices over which we cannot align ourselves. It does not mean that we have to end relationships--not always, anyway. But it often does mean that we must change these relationships for ourselves. And that usually involves boundary drawing.
The term Boundary Drawing is a nasty little term in my family. My family recoils and often feels very irked when I use it. They simply hate it when I draw boundaries and especially if I use the term for this around them.
But Boundary Drawing is my primary life lesson. It is what I am here to learn and perfect. My life beat me senseless, (I allowed myself to be beaten senseless) over my inabilities in the past to draw healthy boundaries with others.
I have made great headway in this area. But it has not been easy. It has, however, been so very worth it to me. It has opened the space for so much love and compassion and I am very grateful for it all.
I have had to do a great deal of boundary drawing over the years. I have had difficulties in relationships come up repeatedly in my life and I deliberately began a conscious journey to grow more spiritually because of this. It has been a hard journey and yet, a journey filled with awesome realizations and great feelings of spiritual achievement. It has been a good journey, even in the difficulties and pain. And I know that this bump in the road is just another one over which I will gain much self-knowledge and many opportunities for healing of myself and assistance in the healing of those I so dearly love--even if I do feel like bitch-slapping them from time to time!
I am grateful for this journey, even with all the warts and scrapes and bruises. I am grateful for the vastly greater amount of love that I experience in my life--especially with my family and all others where I am connected. I am grateful for the ever-growing Light.
I can feel the pain in my body lessening, just having written this today and setting up the opportunity with my brothers to work through this!
Thank you, Universe, for the learning grounds, for the lessons and the awesome opportunities for growth and expansion. I am so very blessed!
Barbara
Copyright 2011. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning
