For some of us, Chocolate is a drug. It serves the same purpose for us as a drug. It makes it easier for a moment to stay in one's own skin. Or so it seems at first.
Not long after my father died in January, I found myself standing in front of my freezer, pulling chocolate out, eating it frozen, and vaguely being aware that something was amok with me. It was a weird experience because I felt like I was in some kind of suspended animation, with no access to personal power to do anything any differently about it at that moment.
Looking backwards, I can see that I was using Chocolate as a means of coping with the grief, shock and overwhelming responsibilities of the moment. I have discovered that I use Chocolate, (and some other foods, too,) in order to check-out of feeling.
There is this thing that I do when things become stressful--a certain degree of stressful. Unfortunately, I do not know where the dividing line is for tolerable stress and stress over the edge necessitating my checking out. I do not know if it is just the amount of time in the stress that does it, or if it is the degree of the stress that drives me to it. Maybe it is both of these things. Probably there are other factors as well.
This is a big, black hole of mostly unconsciousness for me. It is a defense, I am certain. There is some hidden drive that takes over. This leaves me feeling a lot of powerlessness about it.
The only way to gain power over it is to find ways to become more conscious of myself operating in the moment so that I may gain power over my choices in the moment.
It seems like I do alright for a while in stress, and then there comes a point where it becomes about survival. It is not a decision that I make consciously. It is a place I go unconsciously.
When I get into survival mode, I have already checked out and have begun finding ways to feel better in the misery of the moment. Sometimes I even slip up with food choices after the fact, after I've completely gotten through the stress of the moment. But I do not figure that out until after the fact, either.
I want to become more conscious of this process so that I may choose differently and choose consciously. The desire for more consciousness is a recurring theme in my life, and comes to me about many personal issues. I am certain that more consciousness is the key--to everything.
When I become stressed enough, I just put my nose to the grindstone and blindly get very busy about the handling of the crisis on deck. Somehow in that process, I become unconscious about what I am eating, how much and when.
I would like to find ways to catch myself in the checking out stage--before actually checking out!
So far, I catch myself after I already checked out and I am long down the road from the initial issues that sent me to Chocolate/eating in order to feel nurtured, soothed and loved.
How can I catch myself before I go to the food??? And when I figure this out, what do I need to do instead at those times???
Sometimes Chocolate/food feels like a blanket of love and I just want to be wrapped up in it.
That is a pretty compelling need.
Perhaps there are some healthier and more honest ways of being wrapped up in love!?!
I have been working with Food Addiction specialist, Kim Halsey, from Recovery Today--http://www.recoverytoday.org/. She has been very helpful in teaching me some tools to use to be responsible and conscious about food and eating.
Transparency and Accountability are two of Kim's tools. They are about telling the truth about what I eat, writing it down on a daily basis and sharing it with her--someone also on the Conscious Eating path. It doesn't help for me to do these things unless the people I am transparent and accountable with care deeply about healing food addiction, increasing eating consciousness and I value their opinions about this subject.
Transparency and Accountability definitely work and have a been a huge help to me. They are part of the tools I need to heal this. But given enough stress, I still slip up with food. Thank God, it is not an everyday occurrence any more.
Whipping food addiction is a work in progress. As with all addictions, one is never really cured, that I can see. But I have made great headway over the months that I have been working with Kim Halsey about what and how much I am eating. For this I am very grateful!
I will continue becoming more conscious about this. I am committed to it.
If anyone out there has any other techniques they successfully use to work with Food Addiction, particularly about how to stay conscious about food choices, even when under tremendous stress, I would love to hear them!
Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic.
Barbara F. Manning
