Sometimes I feel paralyzed, psychically and energetically. It feels like a paralysis of my personal power, my will, my intestinal fortitude.
It feels like being caught in muck and mire and not being able to gather enough strength and power to actually accomplish something.
I have learned not to fight it. Fighting it only digs me in even more deeply.
The only thing that provides relief is Acceptance of what is.
But I would so love to be able to get through things I desire and truly need to complete!
These paralysis cycles grew more frequent as I fell deeper into Fibromyalgia's hallmark debilitating chronic pain, overwhelming exhaustion and brain-farts that leave me wondering if I am coming down with a case of Alzheimer's disease!
The worse I felt in the beginning of my Fibro journey, the less I could do--about anything. In fact, this experience literally drove me into early retirement from a much loved career.
It has been an exercise in acceptance and continuing to plod on--when I am able, and doing my very best to not pass judgment upon myself for the facts and experiences of this journey of mine, however I manage it.
There is a grieving process that cannot be circumvented. Nor will trying to get through this by "pinning on a stiff upper lip" or "puttin' on Big Girl Panties" get you anywhere but into deeper and longer suffering.
At first I was in horrific judgment of myself. I've always been able to push myself to do anything--even things I did not want to do.
Maybe this is why I have such trouble pushing myself much these days! I pushed myself a great deal all of my life, before Fibro. Perhaps this pushing is even a key element for my manifestation of Fibromyalgia.
I believe this is so.
At any rate, healing has come--healing of sorts, but not always in accomplishing that which I so desire to accomplish nor in the time lines I desire and sometimes by just having to abandon a goal, period.
Paramount is my letting be whatever is without slapping myself around for not being able to make circumstances and me be as I wish.
There is a consolation in successfully allowing all of this experience. The act of surrendering to "That Which Is" has provided immense relief and peace, a releasing of much suffering in this difficult, multidimensional and otherwise deeply painful experience.
Surrender...or suffer....Surrender or suffer... ???
Ha! Who wants to suffer?! Surrendering is much better!
But I still have much that I desire to complete.
For today, surrendering is enough. I am enough, exactly as I am, however I am. Accepting that I want things completed and I am unable to do it is enough, too.
Things will get done when they get done. This is perfect, exactly as it is.
Love and Hugs,
Barbara
© Copyright 2009-2015, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning.
All Rights Reserved
Hi, Barbara. I hear you. One thing I, too, have learned is that sometimes the physical things like fibro are signs that say, "Hey, time for a reassessment". I think there's deep cleansing going on. In my experience, as that energy surfaces... and it can be genetic energy in addition to personal experience... it can be accompanied by extreme fatigue and days that make you wonder if you're losing your mind. Sometimes, losing one's mind is the only way to find sanity. One thing that helps us through this is diet. Love and sunshine, Barbara. DocMercer
ReplyDeleteHi, Doc Mercer!
ReplyDeleteYou have great insights into this! Thank you for sharing them! I had never even considered the possibility that working through genetic cleansing/clearing could also be in play. But you are right! Perhaps my doing my work about this will help my DNA evolve to more healthful and peaceful ways of performing for both myself and my genetic line! That would be wonderful, if this is so!
Thanks so much for your input!
Love, Hugs, Blessings and Gratitude to you!
Barbara
P.S. I figured out how you can post a comment as yourself. Blogger has added some additional hoops to traverse in order to reply.
You have to make a choice in the "Comment As" box, type in your name and go through a short exercise in proving you are not a Robot and then your comment will go to Comments Moderation for me to review and publish. It's a little more hassle than previously, but I guess Blogger, the folks that are the host of my blog, are doing their best to prevent spam and robo/non-person commenting.
I just did not know how much I needed to read this until I did. I felt my shoulders un-hunch and I felt myself exhale. I had been holding my breath. I wonder how often I do that? Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us run around in our lives all hunched up, without realizing it at all, Peg. I am glad you received something from my post. Thank you for the validation!
ReplyDeleteLove & Hugs,
Barbara
Surrendering Barbara has definitely made you a happier person. You are outwardly glowing now more than I have ever seen you.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Anita
Thank you, Anita! It's a process, this learning how to live life as peacefully and easily as possible!
DeleteHappy New Year, my friend!
Love & Hugs,
Barbara