Grounded Bird

         Thank You, MiKa, for permission to use your  

     awesome artwork! http://mikaartblog.blogspot.ca/

It sure is not easy being grounded, recovering from foot surgery.  I have had one bizarre reaction after another since the surgery--some physical, some psychological and all of them Spiritual wake up calls!

I have had procedures before and never had this kind of experience.  This time there was not enough Propofol, a general anesthesia medication that is in short supply in the country due to the discovery of spinal meningitis bugs in some vials of it.  Because of this, another general anesthesia was used for me.  

As I awoke from the surgery, I was in a massive panic attack.  It was very uncomfortable!  Every time I lapsed back into sleep/unconsciousness for the next 24 hours, I awoke often and with a start, in the same panicked state!  

It was so hard being in my body, and not be able to create peace and calm!  I kept going into a meditative state, only to lapse into unconsciousness and then waking again very soon, back in the same miserable state--so far from peace that it was hard to cope!

Each time I awoke the panic was about not being able to take care of myself!   

I had a less invasive procedure on my foot with my intention being to create the healing needed so that I will never go to the next, much more involved level to repair my Achilles Tendon.  But as I was waking and panicking, I was unable to hold onto that.  I was not able to understand that I was not in that space of the full-blown, one to two year recovery time, with the biggest part of that non-weight bearing.  I am just in a place of a few weeks of restriction--though, still nothing to ignore or discount, either.

As the week progressed after surgery, it became apparent that I developed some kind of sensitivity to the solution the hospital used on my leg in preparation for the surgery.  My entire leg itched like crazy for days!

Then I decided to color my hair, using a brand I have used for a very long while, and I ended up with a burned scalp! 

It is like my whole body, mind and spirit are on hyper-alert!  So much about me is on edge and reacting in strange ways right now!

I wish I could say that I am through this and in peace about it all.  But in this week following the surgery, I have found myself again, lapsing back into concern about the future and my foot, and way more than just my foot. 

As I have said many times here, I don't believe in accidents.  I am certain that all that has happened with me is shining Light upon my Spiritual Achilles Heel--that being my huge need to be in control of me, of not being able to ask for help well and of not being able to allow in from others well.  This experience is nudging me into even deeper healing work than I have ever done previously about these personal issues of mine.

I am open to whatever God is showing me.  I ask for the courage to keep walking, (OK--hobbling, literally and metaphorically for now, ) into the Spiritual work here to teach me to open my heart bigger, to let go of control better and to allow others kindnesses and assistance more in my life.

I surrender to my needing of others assistance, of having much difficulty asking for help, and asking anyway, and to the intense vulnerability all of this brings to me.  I embrace the vulnerability!

I am grateful for the crutches that help support me.  I am grateful for the family and friends that step forward to help me, (even as I work through my ineptness with all of this.)  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about this and to heal my significant quirks about all this stuff in me and my life!

 

Love, Hugs &  Blessings,

Barbara

Thank you Google Images for the Commercial Reuse of the Crutches Image!

Copyright 2013.  Transformation of a Mystic.  Barbara F. Manning