I had many difficulties with this person, but always loved her and valued her very much. Even so, I eventually had to draw a very hard boundary and end the relationship with her about 15 months ago, because she kept getting more and more impossible to deal with. I see now, that it is likely that this dementia is at least part, though probably not all, of the culprit for her abusive and unkind behavior with me.
It was so very hard to part ways with her. But I just could not…I just would not allow her abuse any longer.
How does one process something like this, when someone’s behavior may not be totally under their control? Where do I draw the line? Is there a line I should draw?
Abuse is still abuse. And I just cannot put myself in that space!
I watched 11 years worth of intermittent abusiveness that this person dished out to others along the way. So this is a pattern for her—long before Alzheimer’s.
My heart goes out to her and I want to forgive her and come rushing back into the relationship. My head says, “Are you nuts, Barbara? Do you remember how awful it was, being stuck in that misery and not knowing how to get out of it? Do you remember how painful it was to end the relationship and get out of it?”
Do I send her a card and send her my best wishes for her recovery from cancer and offer my support?
Do I send her a card and leave it at that???
Do I stand back and do nothing?
Nothing feels like the right thing to do right now!
All I could do was post a request on Facebook that Healing Energy and Prayers be sent her way, and I sent these things to her myself, as well.
That raft of feelings from this morning is still clear and present in me 15 hours later!! For now, I am just in the feelings and will have to let them be and do nothing more about them but feel them.
Wow, there’s a pattern going on for me lately. It is all about my feelings—recognizing them and allowing them and doing nothing more about them than exactly these things.
I feel selfish and self-centered and very much like a fish out of water. But it also feels very right for me to do it this way, too.
Barbara
Copyright 2011. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning
Forgiveness is a process, as you are finding, not a one-time event. I wrote a blog on it awhile back. http://www.recoverytoday.org/blog/?p=55
ReplyDeleteThe gist of it is that just because we forgive someone doesn't mean what they did was okay or that we need to re-engage. It is a stronger act to forgive and remember, in my opinion, than the forgive and forget philosophy. At least in cases of abuse.
You are lightyears ahead by feeling all of your feelings rather than rationalize them away along with your soul.
Hugs,
--Kim
Yes, I understand, Kim. I am still forgiving my Mom, and I'm 55 years old! She is no longer alive, but I find myself still doing healing work with her and feeling better and better about this as I do.
ReplyDeleteEvery time I check-in with my inner guidance about the person about which I wrote this blog entry, I keep getting a "No" about contacting her. So I will continue to send her prayers and leave it at that.