Nothing happens by accident. And all is in Divine Time.
I got up and walked Desert Trackers with my grandchildren and daughter-in-law this morning. We do this regularly. It is a damp and crisp morning. My body needed the walking very much. And it feels physically better after having done this.
On the way back home, a song came on the radio that I very much adore. It is "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle--a song about a father and daughter and the evolution of their relationship. Immediately, out of nowhere that I had conscious access to, I began crying. At that moment, I missed my Dad so very much. He is lost in dementia and advancing age and my heart is breaking over what is happening to him as he ages. But this song reminded me of all the good times, the loving times, the very close relationship that we have always had. I've been so very blessed to have this is my life. It has not always been a perfect relationship. But it has been very dear to me. He is very dear to me.
I am still crying. I have not found the bottom of these tears. Allowing the tears feels healing and clearing. I have not really allowed myself to feel much about the loss of him. It is not like he has died. But it certainly feels exactly like this.
Everything is always in evolution, constantly changing. It is important not to get stuck in the past, but it is also important to feel the feelings we truly are feeling--rather than stuffing them below the surface so that they only come gushing out when "Butterfly Kisses" plays on the radio.
And so, I am allowing in this moment, all my feelings about how things are with my dear father.
I love you Dad! And I miss you very much. And I will do my best to transition through the evolution of our relationship as time marches on. Thanks for everything, even the lessons about loving and letting go and allowing...allowing all of it. And especially Dad, thanks for all the Butterfly Kisses!
Barbara
Copyright 2011. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning
Beautiful healing tears. Thank you for sharing them. I don't miss the dad that I grew up with as an incest survivor. I do sometimes miss the dad that I always wished that I had as a child. Watched too much "Father Knows Best" as a child. I heard that he was an alcoholic in his real life too. How sad.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for you growing up, Patricia. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteBarbara, thank you for your compassion.
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