TRANSFORMATION OF A MYSTIC

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Stand Up for Yourself!

If we wish to grow to our fullest potential, we must trust that where and to what our soul leads us is the highest good for us, always--even when it looks like a scary place!

No matter what your mind and your fears are saying about what is coming up for you, listen to your gut, your heart, your soul and move forward as you are being guided!

Trust and surrender to the process and the outcome. All is being divinely guided and is what you are here to do!

Always fight injustice and stand up for yourself in the best and highest ways available to you! Then release it and allow the Universe, God, whatever you call that power greater than yourself, to work things out to your greatest benefit.

It always does!

Groom Mine, Nevada, belonging to my family since 1889.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

"What Is Shame?"

What are the tears of Shame?

For me, tears of Shame are about a feeling of disgrace, an embarrassment to others, and to myself. It is about humiliation and dishonor on some deep level of my heart where there is nothing left but a need for separation and severance, to hide out from myself and from others, so that I do not have to feel it…or risk annihilation—either self-annihilation, or being murdered by another for being so hopelessly flawed and unacceptable.

When Shame hits for me, it makes me want to turn inside out of myself, get beside myself so that I do not have to be present to feel it, let alone, to know about it. The pain of Shame is so great that it sucks the breath from my lungs and sends me to the depths of hell.

Shame feels like riding a bucking bronco—one that I often cannot even allow myself to know that I’m riding before I begin the dance of hiding, of defending myself from it, so that I do not have to experience it consciously.

Shame automatically goes underground in me.

Chocolate—and a lot of it, is usually my go-to drug to help me keep Shame out of my awareness.

What is the texture of Shame?
Shame is prickly, heavy, hot, overwhelmingly scratchy and rough. It feels bad. It feels wrong. It cuts me until I bleed at my very core.

What does Shame smell like?
It smells acrid. It smells like burning flesh. It smells like death.

What is the shape of Shame?
The very first shape I see when I go into my inner-sight is that of a very heavy anvil, plummeting from on high, over a cliff and directly onto Wile E. Coyote’s head! The next shape I see is that of a beautiful spiral galaxy, with a huge black hole in the center, sucking up everything in its path into the vortex of a hell like no other.

How does Shame taste?
It tastes bitter, brackish, sour, toxic, down-right poisonous, ultimately fatal.

It brings with it a landslide of other emotions and feelings: Fear, Distrust, Judgment, and Pain.

What color is Shame?
The first flash of color I see is yellow—the yellow of cowardice. Perhaps this is because Shame brings me to a place of spinelessness, of fearfulness, of great weakness and despair. Ultimately, when I hang on for the Shame ride, there is blackness…darkness so pervasive that I cannot see anything beyond it. I do not want to see anything beyond it because the fear of it is so big. I only want it to go away.

Shame sucks the breath out of me, makes my skin crawl, my teeth grit and my jaws ache from the clenching and the bracing of myself against it.

But…

If I can stay present in the feeling of Shame, allowing it and embracing it, (which often doesn’t happen because I usually have already shored myself up against it, defended myself out of feeling it, somehow gone unconscious at the first hint of it in my energy field,)…but…if I can stay present with it, beyond the darkness is Light.

The Light is tiny and far off at first, and then, ever growing in depth and girth and brightness until it is all there is! In it comes deep compassion, love, acceptance, healing…and great gratitude for being brought through it--IF I can stay on that bucking bronco long enough to find the Light in it!

--Thank you Looney Tunes for my borrowing of Wile’s Photo.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

"This, Too, Shall Pass"

I feel like I have been beaten with a two by four. My muscles are aching so profoundly that I find myself not breathing deeply. I feel like I have the flu. The exhaustion is overwhelming. There are new aches and pains in my body that I have not previously experienced. I hurt. I hurt physically. I hurt spiritually.

Fibromyalgia.

I always do my best to make peace with you. You are brutal.

You always teach me such amazing things, if I can weather each visit from you with deep compassion for myself and my vulnerability.

I did my best through all the trauma, drama and chaos of the last year to draw good boundaries for myself. I took the very best care of myself that I knew how to do. But just having experienced the journey was enough to trigger my body, my spirit into this space.

It was one of the hardest years I have ever experienced.

I surrender to it all--to every pain, every ache. I surrender to all the pounding reverberating through me.

In the last couple of weeks I have become aware that, even though I did some massive boundary drawing in a very healthy way for myself through this last year of my father's illness and death, I have been carrying around hidden, unconscious beliefs about this.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose putting myself first. These were not easy decisions. These are not the ways of my history. But I have learned over the years, through processes of many mistakes and lessons. I would not do this any other way--not this time.

And so I took care of myself.

It was so very hard. Without really even been consciously aware of it, there has been so much grief and judgment of myself for choosing me and what I needed--first.

Finally it all has come tumbling out into my awareness.

I am very sure that my father is perfectly happy and alright with how things went down between us this last year of his life--now. But unconsciously I have believed that I somehow let him down and somehow contributed to his suffering. He was not very nice to me about it when he was going through it. No, he was not very nice about it at all. He was so angry with me about it all. He was finally beaten by his experiences into submission and then he finally allowed himself to let go and pass on. Peace did finally come for him. I am so very glad of this.

I did this the only way that I could. Dad did this the only way that he could.

Healing is now possible for the both of us. Dad is doing much better about this right now than I am. I feel him visiting and trying his best to bring me peace and healing, too. I open to it and I allow it. It comes in the surrender to what is for me. And what is in this moment is a kick-ass bout of Fibromyalgia.

But this, too, shall pass.

Friday, February 24, 2012

"Deaf, Dumb and Blind"

Being the straight shooter that (I think) I am, I feel it is best to just hang it out there and openly share my personal experiences and discoveries. I pray that my bearing my soul somehow helps me own my truths more deeply and consciously and also gives those who read my words their own nudges in places where we are deaf, dumb and blind to ourselves.

I am way more deaf, dumb and blind about myself than I have ever wanted to see before now!

Huge awarenesses are coming up for me! I realize how much I have been greatly underestimating the effects the last years of my father’s life and his passing in January have been having on me. I am much more complicated than I ever imagined! I am harder on myself than I have ever imagined, too!

Now some huge pieces are in my conscious awareness, rather than unconsciously hiding in me, beating the holy beejeebees out of my body--seemingly "out of the blue," making me ache all over beyond tolerance and driving me to eat chocolate like a true drug addict!

Nope, body pain is never just a fluke in my life. It is a MESSAGE, AN ENERGY--screaming loudly for me to "PAY ATTENTION, LISTEN UP, GIRL!"

Unfortunately, so often my body seems to be speaking a foreign language to me! I need remedial Body Language Interpretation training!!

It is astonishing to me that my body can so beat the living daylights out of me, and at least in part, (probably even in a great part,) I think it stems from my hidden-to-me feelings! Yes, there is real, honest-to-goodness body pain going on. A lot of it, in fact! But what is going on in me between my ears and in my gut-level feelings--both consciously and unconsciously, seems to be helping to fuel the chemistry in my body that sets much body pain into motion or at the very least, exacerbates it significantly.

I didn’t know I was carrying around unconscious beliefs! I guess that’s why they are called “Unconscious!”

I wonder how many more unconscious beliefs I have?

I believe my right-leg sciatica, Plantar Faciitis and aching hip are partly about some fear I’ve been carrying that I will not be able to “stand on my own two feet without my Dad in my life.”

I have definitely been having a tough time standing on my two feet in reality, because of all of this pain!

This fear is from my history—from a child’s space! It is not from the here and now. But my body has certainly been acting it all out in the NOW!

Just the experience of having uncovered this hidden “belief,” this fear, having it become conscious, looking at it and allowing myself to feel it, has reduced the intensity and throbbing of the physical pain in me!

Wow! What a mind-blower! What a Pain Reliever!!!

I have (divinely) stumbled into some translations of some of my body language, my body pain, into something I can understand! I want to make conscious choices about what I am doing, rather than choosing unconsciously and then feeling like a hopeless, helpless victim of a body, somehow gone wrong!

No. I am in the driver’s seat, even when I do not have conscious awareness about it. I am
still driving. That’s like driving blind-folded! Not a good idea!

I have great hope about unlocking this language of my body and being able much more often to make conscious loving and healthy choices for myself! There is a learning curve for me from here to there. I pray for patience with and compassion for myself while I traverse this curve. I pray for even more Light and assistance than has already been bestowed upon me to help me to continue finding my way!

I humbly thank Spirit for teaching me these earth-shattering lessons today!

I am grateful for the journey! It is a breathtaking, even though often a tricky ride for me!

Whodda Thunk my unconscious mind would be the trickiest piece of this puzzle I have discovered so far?

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Barbara

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Fibro Flared Again

I am aching all over the place.

My body is a barometer for indicating things that are going on in my life that need addressing and modification by me. To ignore this is to accept far more and deeper physical pain--let alone spiritual and emotional pain.

My father has been in the hospital for most of the entire summer--since the beginning of June 2011. It has been a very stressful time dealing with all of this. In addition, all things related to the care of my father have been challenging over the last seven years of his illness and decline. There are times of less stress than others. But over all, this has not been the least bit easy.

I have been in the front line of fire about all of it, all along. I put myself there. It has been my role all of my life. I am a "first born." I never even considered not being in the front line about my dad. I never wanted it any other way. But over time, I am having to reconsider, readjust, realign myself, as this journey expands and morphs into things I never saw coming, that I never expected in my wildest imaginations.

I don't believe in any accidents. I believe that I chose to be where I am, in the family that I am in, with all the dynamics and drama that exists just as it is. I feel my soul planned on having grand opportunities for growth in many directions--all having deeper compassion and greater loving for myself and for others at the center of the journey.

But sometimes I just want to bitch-slap folks, instead!

Having owned this, and worked with myself from a place of self-compassion about this realization, I then tried to address my concerns and troubles with all of these people, one-by-one.

I sometimes feel that I cannot make myself heard or understood. I try over and over from one angle and direction to another, each time, attempting to make myself more clear. I am doing the best that I know how to do to convey my feelings and insights about what I would like to see shift in order for me to be in a more comfortable place about this difficult situation with Dad and with them.

I can see that they love me dearly. I can see that they each are just another poor schmuck trying to make his way through all this drama and chaos of being a human on this planet, too--just like me. I can see that they have made adjustments and that they are trying along the way.

I often feel like I can't find my way through eruptions--at least in the beginning of addressing them. I find eruptions in my family often take a long time in culminating. We sometimes think we have cleared the path, only to have the stuff sneakily go underground to erupt unexpectedly another day, with greater fury and force!

Sometimes this feels overwhelming and very much like we have made no headway at all. This is often just a fear and a knee-jerk reaction, rather than truly a reality--if I can remind myself of this in the throes of the explosion(s).

I try to make adjustments. I try to cooperate. I highly value cooperation! But I cannot make all the concessions. I cannot make all the adjustments. I can only be willing and do some of these things.

And I have and I am.

I am at a place where something has got to give. It MUST change. Or I will have to make it change. I can no longer continue being caught in this vortex of pain, in the cross-fire of others all struggling with their own feelings about dealing with the loss of our dad and the pain of witnessing his withering away into dust. I have my own pain about all of this, too. The pain has to lessen for me. And this has to happen NOW. I so hope and pray that my brothers will find a way to do the same for themselves, as well.

I will meet with my brothers today. Hopefully we will be able to shift what is happening in our interactions with each other to a healthier, more compassionate and loving way for each one of us. I hope and pray this is so. It must shift for me. I hope they will be able to understand this and know that I love them too, no matter what. But I can no longer trap myself in this chaos and dissension. It is hurting my body and my spirit so very much!

I feel hopeful for me. I feel hopeful for my brothers. I know I am doing the things that I most need to do for me. I only have control over me and I am empowered about me. Sometimes people make choices over which we cannot align ourselves. It does not mean that we have to end relationships--not always, anyway. But it often does mean that we must change these relationships for ourselves. And that usually involves boundary drawing.

The term Boundary Drawing is a nasty little term in my family. My family recoils and often feels very irked when I use it. They simply hate it when I draw boundaries and especially if I use the term for this around them.

But Boundary Drawing is my primary life lesson. It is what I am here to learn and perfect. My life beat me senseless, (I allowed myself to be beaten senseless) over my inabilities in the past to draw healthy boundaries with others.

I have made great headway in this area. But it has not been easy. It has, however, been so very worth it to me. It has opened the space for so much love and compassion and I am very grateful for it all.

I have had to do a great deal of boundary drawing over the years. I have had difficulties in relationships come up repeatedly in my life and I deliberately began a conscious journey to grow more spiritually because of this. It has been a hard journey and yet, a journey filled with awesome realizations and great feelings of spiritual achievement. It has been a good journey, even in the difficulties and pain. And I know that this bump in the road is just another one over which I will gain much self-knowledge and many opportunities for healing of myself and assistance in the healing of those I so dearly love--even if I do feel like bitch-slapping them from time to time!

I am grateful for this journey, even with all the warts and scrapes and bruises. I am grateful for the vastly greater amount of love that I experience in my life--especially with my family and all others where I am connected. I am grateful for the ever-growing Light.

I can feel the pain in my body lessening, just having written this today and setting up the opportunity with my brothers to work through this!

Thank you, Universe, for the learning grounds, for the lessons and the awesome opportunities for growth and expansion. I am so very blessed!

Barbara

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Out Of The Past

At 6:30 AM I received a phone message from a friend that someone that used to be very near and dear to me is having Thyroid Cancer surgery today and that she has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I had a raft of feelings about all of this, including many tears!

I had many difficulties with this person, but always loved her and valued her very much. Even so, I eventually had to draw a very hard boundary and end the relationship with her about 15 months ago, because she kept getting more and more impossible to deal with. I see now, that it is likely that this dementia is at least part, though probably not all, of the culprit for her abusive and unkind behavior with me.

It was so very hard to part ways with her. But I just could not…I just would not allow her abuse any longer.

How does one process something like this, when someone’s behavior may not be totally under their control? Where do I draw the line? Is there a line I should draw?

Abuse is still abuse. And I just cannot put myself in that space!

I watched 11 years worth of intermittent abusiveness that this person dished out to others along the way. So this is a pattern for her—long before Alzheimer’s.

My heart goes out to her and I want to forgive her and come rushing back into the relationship. My head says, “Are you nuts, Barbara? Do you remember how awful it was, being stuck in that misery and not knowing how to get out of it? Do you remember how painful it was to end the relationship and get out of it?”

Do I send her a card and send her my best wishes for her recovery from cancer and offer my support?

Do I send her a card and leave it at that???

Do I stand back and do nothing?

Nothing feels like the right thing to do right now!

All I could do was post a request on Facebook that Healing Energy and Prayers be sent her way, and I sent these things to her myself, as well.

That raft of feelings from this morning is still clear and present in me 15 hours later!! For now, I am just in the feelings and will have to let them be and do nothing more about them but feel them.

Wow, there’s a pattern going on for me lately. It is all about my feelings—recognizing them and allowing them and doing nothing more about them than exactly these things.

I feel selfish and self-centered and very much like a fish out of water. But it also feels very right for me to do it this way, too.

Barbara

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Butterfly Kisses!

Yesterday I promised Archangel Michael that I would spend some time blogging more regularly. So here I am. I know that I am supposed to be blogging. And I received incredible validation about this yesterday and then again this morning from my friend, Stephanie Graham, about this.

Nothing happens by accident. And all is in Divine Time.

I got up and walked Desert Trackers with my grandchildren and daughter-in-law this morning. We do this regularly. It is a damp and crisp morning. My body needed the walking very much. And it feels physically better after having done this.

On the way back home, a song came on the radio that I very much adore. It is "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle--a song about a father and daughter and the evolution of their relationship. Immediately, out of nowhere that I had conscious access to, I began crying. At that moment, I missed my Dad so very much. He is lost in dementia and advancing age and my heart is breaking over what is happening to him as he ages. But this song reminded me of all the good times, the loving times, the very close relationship that we have always had. I've been so very blessed to have this is my life. It has not always been a perfect relationship. But it has been very dear to me. He is very dear to me.

I am still crying. I have not found the bottom of these tears. Allowing the tears feels healing and clearing. I have not really allowed myself to feel much about the loss of him. It is not like he has died. But it certainly feels exactly like this.

Everything is always in evolution, constantly changing. It is important not to get stuck in the past, but it is also important to feel the feelings we truly are feeling--rather than stuffing them below the surface so that they only come gushing out when "Butterfly Kisses" plays on the radio.

And so, I am allowing in this moment, all my feelings about how things are with my dear father.

I love you Dad! And I miss you very much. And I will do my best to transition through the evolution of our relationship as time marches on. Thanks for everything, even the lessons about loving and letting go and allowing...allowing all of it. And especially Dad, thanks for all the Butterfly Kisses!

Barbara