Sometimes I Feel Paralyzed

Sometimes I feel paralyzed, psychically and energetically.  It feels like a paralysis of my personal power, my will, my intestinal fortitude.

It feels like being caught in muck and mire and not being able to gather enough strength and power to actually accomplish something.

I have learned not to fight it.  Fighting it only digs me in even more deeply.

The only thing that provides relief is Acceptance of what is.

But I would so love to be able to get through things I desire and truly need to complete!

These paralysis cycles grew more frequent as I fell deeper into Fibromyalgia's hallmark debilitating chronic pain, overwhelming exhaustion and brain-farts that leave me wondering if I am coming down with a case of Alzheimer's disease!   

The worse I felt in the beginning of my Fibro journey, the less I could do--about anything. In fact, this experience literally drove me into early retirement from a much loved career.

It has been an exercise in acceptance and continuing to plod on--when I am able, and doing my very best to not pass judgment upon myself for the facts and experiences of this journey of mine, however I manage it.

There is a grieving process that cannot be circumvented.  Nor will trying to get through this by "pinning on a stiff upper lip" or "puttin' on Big Girl Panties" get you anywhere but into deeper and longer suffering.

At first I was in horrific judgment of myself.  I've always been able to push myself to do anything--even things I did not want to do.

Maybe this is why I have such trouble pushing myself much these days!  I pushed myself a great deal all of my life, before Fibro.  Perhaps this pushing is even a key element for my manifestation of Fibromyalgia.  

I believe this is so.

At any rate, healing has come--healing of sorts, but not always in accomplishing that which I so desire to accomplish nor in the time lines I desire and sometimes by just having to abandon a goal, period.  

Paramount is my letting be whatever is without slapping myself around for not being able to make circumstances and me be as I wish.

There is a consolation in successfully allowing all of this experience.  The act of surrendering to "That Which Is" has provided immense relief and peace, a releasing of much suffering in this difficult, multidimensional and otherwise deeply painful experience.

Surrender...or suffer....Surrender or suffer... ???

Ha!  Who wants to suffer?!  Surrendering is much better!

But I still have much that I desire to complete.

For today, surrendering is enough.  I am enough, exactly as I am, however I am.  Accepting that I want things completed and I am unable to do it is enough, too. 

Things will get done when they get done.  This is perfect, exactly as it is. 

Love and Hugs,

Barbara

© Copyright 2009-2015, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

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The Cycles of Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia seems to come in cycles.  Sometimes they are short cycles.  Sometimes they are longer--sometimes even MUCH LONGER.  But the pain cycles, for certain.  The brain fog cycles. There are many symptoms of Fibromyalgia for me, and all the symptoms cycle.

What is not certain is when these things return.  I can't predict with certainty when the cycles get triggered.  But I can predict more often than I used to be able to do.

Doing too many physically strenuous tasks definitely is a trigger.

Putting myself under a lot of stress in a short period of time definitely is a trigger.

Not getting enough sleep is a trigger--although, I do not sleep well no matter how much time I allow myself to sleep.

Even the weather seems to be a trigger! 

The depression comes in cycles.  It stems from the feelings of powerlessness over changing what is going on physically with me, about not feeling in charge of my life the way I once felt I was--or at least that I had the illusion of feeling about my life.

I used to feel victimized by symptoms swooping down out of...seemingly nowhere, and whacking the beejesus out of me.

Now I see there are patterns.  I am still working on discovering and seeing the patterns--sooner, greater, bigger and learning to be much more responsible for myself about them.

Sometimes even great awareness does not change a thing.

I am much more accepting of what is, now.  But I sometimes grieve the loss of the life I once had.

I could never again live the life I once did, though.  I would not want to go through all that overwhelming stress and drama again.  

I am glad I am learning to create boundaries, both for myself and for others in my life.

It has been a long, hard haul learning!  But I am much more at peace now than ever previously in my life, (even when I am suffering with difficult symptoms.) 
  
For this, I am very grateful!

There is beauty in all things--even those that are not the easiest things to traverse in life.  I have found this to be especially true when it comes to my experiences with Fibromyalgia. 

Staying in the present moment makes things much more doable!

Remembering to turn on the Light--and by that I mean my Spiritual Light, makes things much more doable!

Doing my best not to let myself get jaded and cynical or otherwise maimed by this experience makes things much more doable!

It is not easy sometimes.  But so far, it is definitely worth it.

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Barbara

© Copyright 2009-2014, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

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When Did I Acquire Fibromyalgia?

I have been working on me, making me a priority for many years.  I have succeeded at this more and more.  But as I look back, I can see that it has been a very hard and a long process for me.  Even the attempts I have made at it in the past barely put a dent in the degree to which I have been "outer focused."  I have needed much more of "me as a Top Priority" than I was able to do.  Boy, it surely does not come easy to me, at all.  Operating in this manner is not even on my radar at times!  But when my body acts up, recoiling in unbelievable pain, well, it is pretty darned hard to ignore!

Sometimes it feels like, "BAM!"  Pain all over the place just swoops in my body--seemingly out of nowhere, and it lays me low!  It is very peculiar how pain in me sometimes manifests. 

I wake up every, single morning, in mega pain and have for many years.  I thought this was just part of getting older.  But I have been like this since I was about 25 years old.  It has just gotten progressively more intense and it lasts longer and longer before the stiffness and pain I acquire while lying in bed during the night moves on.  Eventually there grew to be days, then weeks, and then months that this pain hung around, sapping my energy and making me very crabby!

I thought everybody felt these things.

Apparently this is not so.  At least not at 25 years of age.  Maybe at 57, the age I am now, that makes more sense!  

I am now certain that I have had Fibromyalgia since right after the second spinal surgery I had in 2003.  I just never got over that surgery.  I probably had bouts of it as far back as I can remember, even in adolescence.  

But it came to visit a few years back and it has never left.

I am currently reading a book by Dr. David Edelberg called "Healing Fibromyalgia." 

http://shop.wholehealthchicago.com/books-and-cds/healing-fibromyalgia.html 

What Dr. Edelberg says makes a great deal of sense to me.  He believes that Fibromyalgia is a low serotonin affliction--and that it is caused by way too much stress for way too long.

I am not certain that it is only stress that causes it.  I am also leaning towards some genetic factors--which Dr. Edelberg also mentions, and I feel there are some other factors, yet undiscovered or acknowledged.

At any rate, Fibromyalgia is a huge challenge.


I think I carry 'holding' energy in my body--by default.  I think it is the primary way that I go through my life.  From my earliest memories, I braced myself, put on my Warrior Armor, pulled up my socks, pinned on a smile and trudged through whatever crisis was at hand.  There always seemed to be stress and disorder. 

I have always been hard at work, making lemonade out of lemons.  I thought I was doing a great job of it, too!  But, this kind of stress has had far reaching and long term consequences for me.  Still, I firmly believe that there is a great gift somewhere in the midst of all difficulties.  I have found many already in what I have experienced with Fibromyalgia.  I am hanging on for others to manifest.  I know they are there!

I firmly believe what Melanie Koulouris says in the quip of hers I have included here.  In the meantime, I am putting down my sword, taking off my armor and sitting with an open heart and a willing attitude to continue on.  I am hanging on for the ride, Trusting that all is unfolding in the most beneficial and highest order for me--no matter what it sometimes looks like!  It always works out wonderfully, eventually!

Doing my very best to stay positive is hard, but really helps a bunch.  Sometimes that means getting support from others.  Sometimes it means staying open to things I would never have ever considered.  Nothing is off the plate when dealing with difficulties as challenging as Fibromyalgia. 

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Barbara

© Copyright 2009-2013, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

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"Fibromyalgia, It's Not All In Your Head--It's In Your Hands," per the University of Albany

I have massive problems with my hands.  I had severe Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and have had bilateral Carpal Tunnel Release surgeries many years ago.  The surgeries helped immensely! 

I always thought my hands were such a mess because of my excessive work on computers and keyboards throughout my life.  I've been very hard on my hands and fingers!

They are so unbelievably painful these days.  When I use them for things like sorting through papers or doing anything hand/finger labor intensive, I pay for it dearly in severe pain and unusable hands/fingers for days and sometimes weeks afterward.

It turns out that even painful hands may be an issue of Fibromyalgia!

I love Prohealth.com!  They are a wealth of information about current studies for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME.  

This link below here describes a news release from the University of Albany on June 20, 2013, about hands and Fibromyalgia for your edification.

http://www.prohealth.com/fibromyalgia/library/showarticle.cfm?libid=18169

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Barbara

© Copyright 2009-2013, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

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Fibromyalgia--In Your Body or In Your Head???

I very much doubt that it is possible for any physically felt affliction to just be "in your body."  Anything I experience is always on multiple levels.  But I have also experienced aliments that did not show definitive physical signs until far down the road--and I suffered long and severely as a result.

When folks have pain that is not obvious to the outside world--an abscessing tooth, all-over body pain sometimes diagnosed as Fibromyalgia, MS, Migraines, Back Pain, whatever it might be, my experience has been that sometimes the person with the pain is discounted, not believed, and sometimes judged extremely harshly and unfairly.

Disbelieving doctors and other non-believers don't really mean to be so heartless, (I don't think,) but when they can't see a thing, they get frustrated and start believing that it is not real.  Sometimes they even get into "shooting the messenger," the patient about it!

I have been there!!  I have had this experience on several occasions in my life!

On occasion I have not trusted MY OWN perceptions about what is going on with me!

This can be an awful experience for those of us that have to walk through these kinds of circumstances--often with little support from others.

These kinds of experiences kept driving me inward and to alternative methods to find ways to manage pain and symptoms in an effort to limit the smack-downs that I have experienced more often than I care to remember when dealing with the mainstream medical community.

Like I've said a thousand times before, nothing happens by accident.  I also believe we aren't meant to be destroyed, (I don't believe it is possible to destroy the essence of who we are)--even though it can certainly feel like this is exactly what is happening at times! 

There is always a higher and greater purpose for all things that happen to us, even when those things can sometimes be very difficult to bear!

No Accidents!  All is in Divine Order.  Always the purpose of the difficulties in my life is about my practicing Going Within, Trusting my Inner Wisdom and Higher Guidance, actively working on healing myself, as well as seeking and advocating for the care that I need that I cannot do for myself.

Healing is my job.  I am my Healing Team Leader.  This is not any doctor's responsibility.  But I certainly do need a team for my healing.  It cannot just be my job, solely.    

Some of us are here on the planet, in part, to step-up and teach the medical community, the DEA, the AMA, Pharmacies and Pharmacists how to deal with people with odd-ball afflictions with much more compassion and care!  

Some of us are here to become empowered through our weak spots and grow.

Always, though, when we have made some headway on our Journey, God uses us in service to others that are still suffering in ways that we have or are suffering.

We are the very best teachers for what we are here on the planet, learning ourselves.

We can help another find the strength, the empowerment--even give them a literal hand to Step-Up in their lives.

This end result is the greatest and more heart-filled side effect from all the medical troubles I have experienced in my life.  

I love my work.  I do not like the struggles with often severe physical pain, with the heart aching pain of dealing with calloused professionals that do not know how to deal with that which they do not experience, with that which they fear and about which they feel so helpless to affect. 

I am a teacher and I am a student.  My job is to learn from all these personal experiences and share my journey through them.  In these monumentally difficult experiences, I ALWAYS find the next step, the next level, the next piece...and The Peace rendering ALL of these experiences to be worth every part of the Journey.

I am also very good at walking beside others, helping others to discover, grow and embrace the difficulties and the gifts of their own Journeys. 

Like I said, "I Love My Work!"

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Barbara

No, it is NOT all in your head!

© Copyright 2009-2013, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

All Rights Reserved

Thank you Google Images, for the Commercial Reuse of your Images!

Riding the Waves of Discomfort to Peace

Sometimes...maybe even "Often" is a better word,  there is the intense and deep aching of Fibromyalgia.  

Sometimes there is Peace--easily found.

Finding Peace when I am feeling intense and deep aching is not so easily found and becomes my challenge.  It is my gift--if I allow it to be so.  

Sometimes I succeed.  Sometimes I fail.  

So then my challenge becomes finding the Peace in the failure...and getting past what I have discovered is the last nail I hammer into the experience--layering on of Shame about my body doing these weird, off-the-wall reactions for no reason that is apparent to me.  

I think the Shame is the most painful of all!

When I can do all of these things, THEN, the experience transforms into Peace anyway--even if I am still aching!  

THAT, I call SUCCESS!  And it sure feels so very much better in my body--even if I am still aching all over the place!

Never Give Up!  

Peace is ALWAYS there, somewhere!  It may be easily found or hiding under it all.  But it is still there, always!

It is about opening to what is already there underneath everything.  It is about not tensing up, making already difficult matters even more difficult!  It is about allowing and accepting it all--the good, and the not so fun to experience.  

Acceptance and allowance are key to managing the pain of Fibromyalgia.  There are other, much more active keys as well.  But these two are biggies for me.

Happy practicing with this technique!  It surely does work!  And, you can grow it and perfect it, too!

Love, Hugs and Blessings,
Barbara  

© Copyright 2009-2013, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

All Rights Reserved

Thank you Google Images for the Commercial Reuse of your Images!

More Atrocities for Chronic Pain Patients

http://www.wholehealthchicago.com/5694/value-your-privacy-avoid-walgreens-pharmacy/ 

I experienced much of what this article linked here above at my local Walgreens in Nevada in the last week! 

I am getting doggone miffed at being targeted by doctors and now pharmacies for the use of pain medication. I hate that I need it, but I surely do need it. I get further whipped senseless and very unfairly when I already have a chronic and extremely painful condition. 

This new policy causes great delay, (nearly a week to get a prescription filled,) bottlenecks in communication between doctors and the pharmacy and even further unrest between patients and their doctors when many doctors already do not want to deal with chronic pain patients for exactly some of these reasons! 

I already experience inadequate treatment and medication. I already experience inadequate support from insurance companies and doctors. Now pharmacies are on the bandwagon too. It is more than a chronic pain body can cope with at times, and it is completely unacceptable! 

I am now going to find myself a new pharmacy. And I am also going to begin openly protesting all of this, blogging about it, and posting about it, even though I hate sharing my privacy about this subject openly--something has GOT TO GIVE! 

Chronic Pain patients, Fibromyalgia folks, need to stand up and fight back--if we can garner enough strength with which to fight! 

We need compassion and support, not even more obstacles to drag our already painful and exhausted bodies over in order to get even minimal to zero treatment.

I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!!

Barbara

© Copyright 2009-2013, Transformation Of A Mystic | Barbara F. Manning. 

All Rights Reserved

Thank you Google Images for the Commercial Reuse of your Images!