"Acceptance, Value and Honor"

Pink Cotton Candy, in the making!

What is Acceptance, Value, and Honor?  

It is a space of “just because”—for no other reason than just because I exist and I am worth it, simply because I am.  I don’t have to earn these things. 

 

How do they Feel?

They feel light and airy, nurturing and comforting.  They feel like a breath of fresh air, the breeze of the spring, the warmth of the sun.  They feel peaceful.  They feel wonderful!  They feel Joyful!

What do they Smell like?

They smell like the desert after a summer rain, like the creosote bushes all fresh and fragrant and clean!  They smell like an alpine meadow overwhelmed in beautiful and distinct fragrances—and I want to experience, I want to smell every, single one of them!

  

What is the Shape?

Acceptance, Value and Honor are a big valentine heart!  They are a piece of what love is!  They are so fluffy and it feels so good to put my arms around them and embrace them!

How do they Taste?

They taste like the soft, salty tears streaming down my face as I allow my feelings to come up about this topic.  They are light and airy and they taste like pink cotton candy.  They are something sweet and wildly enjoyable—like an orgasm of the heart and they make my soul soar!  It is totally overtaking of all of my senses!  I want it never to end!

What is the Color?

The color is pink—bright and lovely.  The color is cool, embracing and inviting.  The color is peaceful, loving, kind and gentle, all at the same time. 

Most of us do not readily accept these feelings and let them into the depths of us.  But we are great about so readily giving them to others.   

Most of us want more of these things in our lives.  

    

Do others Accept me, Value me and Honor me? 

Yes, absolutely!   

But I have not always been able to open to receive these things very well.  Acceptance, Value and Honor have often fallen on a wall of protection that I have unconsciously kept around myself.  I sometimes could not take these things in very much.  Sometimes when I did, I would begin to feel so very vulnerable and exposed.  Sometimes it would become so painful to be in that deep vulnerability.  Sometimes I found myself waiting, expecting something to come out of the shadows to take away the good feelings.

Often I blocked feelings out.  I blocked out some of the good feelings and I blocked out most of the bad feelings.  I was usually in some state of numbness, with my feelings dampered down in some way.  

It felt safer to be numb rather than to be vulnerable.

Today I am learning how to Accept, Value and Honor myself.  I find that these things have to start with me.  I did not learn these things when I was young.  Perhaps it was the times and what was thought to be the best ways to raise children.  Perhaps it was the influence of the wounds of others. 

The ruts and the grooves of my patterns are well worn.  It is easy to inflict in myself Judgment, Shame and Dishonor. 

But...

I fall back into old patterns less and less.  I recognize the falling back much more readily.  I forgive myself more easily.  I cut myself slack and free myself much more often.  I allow myself to be imperfect, and still trust that I am headed in the direction of ever increasing Light and Vibration. 

Life is a journey.  I am a student.  It is an awesome learning experience and I would not give up a single lesson--not even those that seem very difficult!

I open my heart and I willingly let in more Acceptance, Value and Honor!  I allow the vulnerability and I let it teach me more about me and about opening myself more deeply to everything.  I more fully experience being a human being on this planet!

Gratefully, I keep finding that even the rough things always turn out to have a golden lining!

Thank you, Spirit!  This is a spectacular ride! 

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Barbara

God's Pink Cotton Candy!

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Lost In Chocolate!

For some of us, Chocolate is a drug.  It serves the same purpose for us as a drug.  It makes it easier for a moment to stay in one's own skin.  Or so it seems at first.

Not long after my father died in January, I found myself standing in front of my freezer, pulling chocolate out, eating it frozen, and vaguely being aware that something was amok with me.  It was a weird experience because I felt like I was in some kind of suspended animation, with no access to personal power to do anything any differently about it at that moment. 

Looking backwards, I can see that I was using Chocolate as a means of coping with the grief, shock and overwhelming responsibilities of the moment.  I have discovered that I use Chocolate, (and some other foods, too,) in order to check-out of feeling.

There is this thing that I do when things become stressful--a certain degree of stressful.  Unfortunately, I do not know where the dividing line is for tolerable stress and stress over the edge necessitating my checking out.  I do not know if it is just the amount of time in the stress that does it, or if it is the degree of the stress that drives me to it.  Maybe it is both of these things.  Probably there are other factors as well. 

This is a big, black hole of mostly unconsciousness for me.  It is a defense, I am certain.  There is some hidden drive that takes over.  This leaves me feeling a lot of powerlessness about it. 

The only way to gain power over it is to find ways to become more conscious of myself operating in the moment so that I may gain power over my choices in the moment.

It seems like I do alright for a while in stress, and then there comes a point where it becomes about survival.  It is not a decision that I make consciously.  It is a place I go unconsciously. 

When I get into survival mode, I have already checked out and have begun finding ways to feel better in the misery of the moment.  Sometimes I even slip up with food choices after the fact, after I've completely gotten through the stress of the moment.  But I do not figure that out until after the fact, either.

I want to become more conscious of this process so that I may choose differently and choose consciously.  The desire for more consciousness is a recurring theme in my life, and comes to me about many personal issues.  I am certain that more consciousness is the key--to everything.

When I become stressed enough, I just put my nose to the grindstone and blindly get very busy about the handling of the crisis on deck.  Somehow in that process, I become unconscious about what I am eating, how much and when.

 

I would like to find ways to catch myself in the checking out stage--before actually checking out! 

So far, I catch myself after I already checked out and I am long down the road from the initial issues that sent me to Chocolate/eating in order to feel nurtured, soothed and loved.

How can I catch myself before I go to the food???  And when I figure this out, what do I need to do instead at those times???

Sometimes Chocolate/food feels like a blanket of love and I just want to be wrapped up in it.

That is a pretty compelling need.

Perhaps there are some healthier and more honest ways of being wrapped up in love!?!

I have been working with Food Addiction specialist, Kim Halsey, from Recovery Today--http://www.recoverytoday.org/.  She has been very helpful in teaching me some tools to use to be responsible and conscious about food and eating.

Transparency and Accountability are two of Kim's tools. They are about telling the truth about what I eat, writing it down on a daily basis and sharing it with her--someone also on the Conscious Eating path. It doesn't help for me to do these things unless the people I am transparent and accountable with care deeply about healing food addiction, increasing eating consciousness and I value their opinions about this subject.

Transparency and Accountability definitely work and have a been a huge help to me.  They are part of the tools I need to heal this.  But given enough stress, I still slip up with food. Thank God, it is not an everyday occurrence any more.

Whipping food addiction is a work in progress.  As with all addictions, one is never really cured, that I can see.  But I have made great headway over the months that I have been working with Kim Halsey about what and how much I am eating.  For this I am very grateful!

I will continue becoming more conscious about this.  I am committed to it.

If anyone out there has any other techniques they successfully use to work with Food Addiction, particularly about how to stay conscious about food choices, even when under tremendous stress, I would love to hear them!

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning





Surviving The Storm

The last month of my life—since July 10, 2012, has been completely off-the-wall.  There have been many wonderful experiences in it all, but there has been much trauma, drama and chaos, too.

Under it all I find a river of vulnerability--shame, judgment and fear. I keep finding myself wondering how any normal family/person could possibly have so many horrifically traumatic things occur in such a short time span?  What does this mean about me and my family?  Are we somehow addicted to trauma and drama?  We seem to have varying degrees of it on a regular basis.  It this just life?  Are all families just like this?  Or do we somehow attract such tragedies and energy to ourselves?  From where does all of this come?  

What is all this judgment and shame in me about?

I find myself thinking that "normal" people don't have all these kinds of experiences--at least not all piled up in such a short span of time. 

During this past month I had a houseful of Summer Vacation company staying with me for three weeks of this time.  There were lots of fun times together and lots of cleansing tears and sometimes overwhelming energy, simply due to the shear numbers of people all in one place together for so long.  One of my brothers nearly died of a severe infection.  He is still off work after a month of healing.  A tragic death occurred in our family due to domestic violence.  And I was rear-ended in a traffic accident.    

It feels like I have gone through a knothole.  I have come out on the other side of the knothole, but I have not yet processed all that has happened.   

Life is transitioning back to a more comfortable place once again.  For this, I am very grateful!  I feel like I can begin living life on purpose again, rather than just hanging on through some very big difficulties.

I feel there is a deeper lesson, a deeper awareness about these past weeks, hanging just out of consciousness.

Perhaps it is about the grief?  Perhaps it is about the deep vulnerability this has all brought to the forefront?  Perhaps it is about the need for me to have much more compassion for myself and much less judgment?  

It is all of these things--and more. 

I pray for the awareness to come.  I pray for the willingness to stay open to whatever God is showing me and to embrace it all.

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning