"This, Too, Shall Pass"

I feel like I have been beaten with a two by four. My muscles are aching so profoundly that I find myself not breathing deeply. I feel like I have the flu. The exhaustion is overwhelming. There are new aches and pains in my body that I have not previously experienced. I hurt. I hurt physically. I hurt spiritually.

Fibromyalgia.

I always do my best to make peace with you. You are brutal.

You always teach me such amazing things, if I can weather each visit from you with deep compassion for myself and my vulnerability.

I did my best through all the trauma, drama and chaos of the last year to draw good boundaries for myself. I took the very best care of myself that I knew how to do. But just having experienced the journey was enough to trigger my body, my spirit into this space.

It was one of the hardest years I have ever experienced.

I surrender to it all--to every pain, every ache. I surrender to all the pounding reverberating through me.

In the last couple of weeks I have become aware that, even though I did some massive boundary drawing in a very healthy way for myself through this last year of my father's illness and death, I have been carrying around hidden, unconscious beliefs about this.

I chose me. I chose life. I chose putting myself first. These were not easy decisions. These are not the ways of my history. But I have learned over the years, through processes of many mistakes and lessons. I would not do this any other way--not this time.

And so I took care of myself.

It was so very hard. Without really even been consciously aware of it, there has been so much grief and judgment of myself for choosing me and what I needed--first.

Finally it all has come tumbling out into my awareness.

I am very sure that my father is perfectly happy and alright with how things went down between us this last year of his life--now. But unconsciously I have believed that I somehow let him down and somehow contributed to his suffering. He was not very nice to me about it when he was going through it. No, he was not very nice about it at all. He was so angry with me about it all. He was finally beaten by his experiences into submission and then he finally allowed himself to let go and pass on. Peace did finally come for him. I am so very glad of this.

I did this the only way that I could. Dad did this the only way that he could.

Healing is now possible for the both of us. Dad is doing much better about this right now than I am. I feel him visiting and trying his best to bring me peace and healing, too. I open to it and I allow it. It comes in the surrender to what is for me. And what is in this moment is a kick-ass bout of Fibromyalgia.

But this, too, shall pass.

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

 

"Deaf, Dumb and Blind"

Being the straight shooter that (I think) I am, I feel it is best to just hang it out there and openly share my personal experiences and discoveries. I pray that my bearing my soul somehow helps me own my truths more deeply and consciously and also gives those who read my words their own nudges in places where we are deaf, dumb and blind to ourselves.

I am way more deaf, dumb and blind about myself than I have ever wanted to see before now!

Huge awarenesses are coming up for me! I realize how much I have been greatly underestimating the effects the last years of my father’s life and his passing in January have been having on me. I am much more complicated than I ever imagined! I am harder on myself than I have ever imagined, too!

Now some huge pieces are in my conscious awareness, rather than unconsciously hiding in me, beating the holy beejeebees out of my body--seemingly "out of the blue," making me ache all over beyond tolerance and driving me to eat chocolate like a true drug addict!
 

Nope, body pain is never just a fluke in my life. It is a MESSAGE, AN ENERGY--screaming loudly for me to "PAY ATTENTION, LISTEN UP, GIRL!"
 

Unfortunately, so often my body seems to be speaking a foreign language to me! I need remedial Body Language Interpretation training!!  

It is astonishing to me that my body can so beat the living daylights out of me, and at least in part, (probably even in a great part,) I think it stems from my hidden-to-me feelings! Yes, there is real, honest-to-goodness body pain going on. A lot of it, in fact! But what is going on in me between my ears and in my gut-level feelings--both consciously and unconsciously, seems to be helping to fuel the chemistry in my body that sets much body pain into motion or at the very least, exacerbates it significantly.

I didn’t know I was carrying around unconscious beliefs! I guess that’s why they are called “Unconscious!”

I wonder how many more unconscious beliefs I have?

I believe my right-leg sciatica, Plantar Faciitis and aching hip are partly about some fear I’ve been carrying that I will not be able to “stand on my own two feet without my Dad in my life.” 

I have definitely been having a tough time standing on my two feet in reality, because of all of this pain!

This fear is from my history—from a child’s space! It is not from the here and now. But my body has certainly been acting it all out in the NOW!

Just the experience of having uncovered this hidden “belief,” this fear, having it become conscious, looking at it and allowing myself to feel it, has reduced the intensity and throbbing of the physical pain in me!

Wow! What a mind-blower! What a Pain Reliever!!!

I have (divinely) stumbled into some translations of some of my body language, my body pain, into something I can understand! I want to make conscious choices about what I am doing, rather than choosing unconsciously and then feeling like a hopeless, helpless victim of a body, somehow gone wrong!

No. I am in the driver’s seat, even when I do not have conscious awareness about it. I am
still driving. That’s like driving blind-folded! Not a good idea!

I have great hope about unlocking this language of my body and being able much more often to make conscious loving and healthy choices for myself! There is a learning curve for me from here to there. I pray for patience with and compassion for myself while I traverse this curve. I pray for even more Light and assistance than has already been bestowed upon me to help me to continue finding my way!

I humbly thank Spirit for teaching me these earth-shattering lessons today!

I am grateful for the journey! It is a breathtaking, even though often a tricky ride for me!

Whodda Thunk my unconscious mind would be the trickiest piece of this puzzle I have discovered so far?

Love, Hugs & Blessings,

Barbara

Copyright 2012. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning