Out Of The Past

At 6:30 AM I received a phone message from a friend that someone that used to be very near and dear to me is having Thyroid Cancer surgery today and that she has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. I had a raft of feelings about all of this, including many tears!

I had many difficulties with this person, but always loved her and valued her very much. Even so, I eventually had to draw a very hard boundary and end the relationship with her about 15 months ago, because she kept getting more and more impossible to deal with. I see now, that it is likely that this dementia is at least part, though probably not all, of the culprit for her abusive and unkind behavior with me.

It was so very hard to part ways with her. But I just could not…I just would not allow her abuse any longer.

How does one process something like this, when someone’s behavior may not be totally under their control? Where do I draw the line? Is there a line I should draw?

Abuse is still abuse. And I just cannot put myself in that space!

I watched 11 years worth of intermittent abusiveness that this person dished out to others along the way. So this is a pattern for her—long before Alzheimer’s.

My heart goes out to her and I want to forgive her and come rushing back into the relationship. My head says, “Are you nuts, Barbara? Do you remember how awful it was, being stuck in that misery and not knowing how to get out of it? Do you remember how painful it was to end the relationship and get out of it?”
 

Do I send her a card and send her my best wishes for her recovery from cancer and offer my support?

Do I send her a card and leave it at that???

Do I stand back and do nothing?

Nothing feels like the right thing to do right now!

All I could do was post a request on Facebook that Healing Energy and Prayers be sent her way, and I sent these things to her myself, as well.

That raft of feelings from this morning is still clear and present in me 15 hours later!! For now, I am just in the feelings and will have to let them be and do nothing more about them but feel them.
 

Wow, there’s a pattern going on for me lately. It is all about my feelings—recognizing them and allowing them and doing nothing more about them than exactly these things.

I feel selfish and self-centered and very much like a fish out of water. But it also feels very right for me to do it this way, too.

Barbara

Copyright 2011. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning

Butterfly Kisses!

Yesterday I promised Archangel Michael that I would spend some time blogging more regularly. So here I am. I know that I am supposed to be blogging. And I received incredible validation about this yesterday and then again this morning from my friend, Stephanie Graham, about this.

Nothing happens by accident. And all is in Divine Time.

I got up and walked Desert Trackers with my grandchildren and daughter-in-law this morning. We do this regularly. It is a damp and crisp morning. My body needed the walking very much. And it feels physically better after having done this.

On the way back home, a song came on the radio that I very much adore. It is "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle--a song about a father and daughter and the evolution of their relationship. Immediately, out of nowhere that I had conscious access to, I began crying. At that moment, I missed my Dad so very much. He is lost in dementia and advancing age and my heart is breaking over what is happening to him as he ages. But this song reminded me of all the good times, the loving times, the very close relationship that we have always had. I've been so very blessed to have this is my life. It has not always been a perfect relationship. But it has been very dear to me. He is very dear to me.

I am still crying. I have not found the bottom of these tears. Allowing the tears feels healing and clearing. I have not really allowed myself to feel much about the loss of him. It is not like he has died. But it certainly feels exactly like this.

Everything is always in evolution, constantly changing. It is important not to get stuck in the past, but it is also important to feel the feelings we truly are feeling--rather than stuffing them below the surface so that they only come gushing out when "Butterfly Kisses" plays on the radio.

And so, I am allowing in this moment, all my feelings about how things are with my dear father.

I love you Dad! And I miss you very much. And I will do my best to transition through the evolution of our relationship as time marches on. Thanks for everything, even the lessons about loving and letting go and allowing...allowing all of it. And especially Dad, thanks for all the Butterfly Kisses!

Barbara

Copyright 2011. Transformation of a Mystic. Barbara F. Manning